SexyLand

Sexy Land! An Aussie sex toy shop. What’s there to say? I’ve been reviewing sex toy shops for a while and it seems to me like every year they go through some sort of extreme renaissance. It wasn’t long ago that I was reviewing similar sites that only had a few collections from a few select companies. They were all kind of humble and limited. They didn’t go above and beyond to satisfy. They were glorified white label sites. No more, I say and SexyLand agrees with me. These guys are most likely local and situated in Melbourne. That’ll matter a few paragraphs down. Just tuck it away for now. We’ll talk about Melbourne.

SexyLand tries hard to be the only online sex shop that Australia needs and they’re doing a damn fine job of it. There are contenders, for sure, but if I only knew of this site and used it regularly, I’d never consider looking for another one. I mean it. This place covers everything sex related, including but not limited to actual life-sized sex dolls. You know, the realistic modern ones. They also have some last-gen models that give off gross uncanny valley vibes, but those are cheaper thus very much worth the discount. I gave SexyLand a good combing to make sure that it’s up to standards and worth recommending to my boys. By boys, I mean you. Let’s get into this shit.

The Interface is the Bomb

Sex shops are among the very few commercial website types that actually make proper use of promotional campaigns for their products. I hate going to Steam to buy a video game and getting 101 recommendations for shit I don’t want to play. Ditto for when I’m buying porn. I know what I came for. Leave me alone. Sex shops are different, in that a promo for their products with a discount is actually worth checking out. Even if it’s some kind of sex toy that I can’t use myself, I still want to see the discounts. It’s fun. Sometimes it’s a last gen dildo that they’re trying to clear from their stock, other times it’s some sort of brand new fleshlight that they’re trying to promote for brand awareness.

Either way, I like the promos. They’re the first thing you see on the home page. You arrive, and they flash at you like a throwback to the internet of the early 2000s. Again, normally this is crap, on SexyLand it’s fantastic. It makes a huge difference that I actually want to see this shit. They say they got discounts of up to 70%. I’m skeptical. I think that most of the discounts here are more in the range of 20% off, with a few exceptions here and there, but I’m still very satisfied.

The Pricing Makes Sense

I remember the first time I went into a sex shop. This was before the internet was the best place to get your hands on silicon dicks. It was in person and it was a wonderful and successful sex shop. All the good toys cost upwards of $100. They all had $20-$40 alternatives, but those alternatives sucked ass. Getting a good vibrator for your girl was out of the question unless you wanted to pay in installments. We’ve come a long way since then. I’m guessing this has something to do with specialized factories that generate tens of thousands of sex toys every week, for cheap. They standardize the tools and crap out quality toys like it’s going out of style.

I mean for fuck’s sakes; you can get a proper massage gun for $70. How is this real? I’d get a massage gun just for my fucking back. I can only imagine how amazing this shit would feel on a clit. I wouldn’t know. I’ve tried putting vibrators on my dick tip and I didn’t get far. I also tried that with cock rings, both during sex and on my own and I didn’t notice much of a difference. I guess it has something to do with dick sensitivity. I’ve been beating my meat several times a day for almost 20 years now, so I’m not exactly Mr. Sensitive. I need to plow a babe straight through drywall for an hour before I bust. You might have better luck with these cock rings. I recommend the ones that are made for her pleasure. You can dick a babe and vibrate her clit in the process. Chicks love this shit. Just make sure to go slow lest you destroy her pussy permanently.

The Sex Dolls are a Mixed Bag

There’s only one product category on this entire site that I don’t recommend and that’s the sex dolls. Hear me out, though. This isn’t about SexyLand at all. Sex dolls should not be purchased from sex shops. You should get them from companies that do sex dolls exclusively. They’re always going to be more customizable. Plus, those companies usually invest in the latest and greatest methods for realistic pussy production.

The most expensive doll I could find on this site was worth more than $4,000. Fair price for a proper doll, but she was extremely underwhelming. She was far from next-gen. Again, I don’t blame SexyLand for this. It’s hard to make proper sex dolls, that’s why this particular type of purchase is better left for websites that specialize in producing lifelike dolls. For everything else, though, SexyLand is the place to be. Whether you want lube, insertable toys, wearables or even board games, they’ve got you covered. They have something for everyone.

Spice Up Your Sex Life

Between the board games, the sex dolls and the countless lubes, aphrodisiacs and wearables there’s a ton of potential here to jack up your sex life with a lot of excitement that you never knew you needed. If you’re married, or dating or hell, seeing a chick for the first time for a one-night stand, fucking do it. Get crazy with some amazing sex toys that are sure to make things that much better. Classical sex is great and all, but after a certain point shit can get stale. Get some sex toys and stuff your woman until she’s plugged from all sides. Pretty soon we’re going to get sex toys for the ears and nasal cavities. I’m sure of it. Maybe they already exist and I’m out of the loop. I’m not talking about nose hooks; I’ve seen those before. I’m talking about nose dildos. Can that be a thing? At this point nothing would surprise me.

The best demographic for massive sex toy purchases are married couples. Unfortunately, most of the dudes that frequent my site are single as all hell. Then again, some of you come here to get away from your wives. I’m here to bounce you back. Your wife boring you? Get her a strap-on and get fucked. At least it’ll be a fresh experience. Hell, get her an edible lingerie set. Eat it off of her. Stuff her full of lube and go to town. Get some massage oils and rub her down until she melts in ecstasy. Whatever, man. Live your best life. SexyLand is here to make all of your dreams come true.

Going the Extra Mile

Remember how I said that I suspect SexyLand is located in Melbourne? Well, they offer free shipping on all of their products across all of Australia. They do the whole subtle packaging thing so that your neighbors don’t find out that you purchased a three-foot schlong and a gallon of lube. It’ll look like a regular package. Yay. That’s not the best part, though. They do free 2-hour delivery in Melbourne and the surrounding area. That’s… insane. I don’t think I’ve ever seen something like this before. Maybe it’s a new standard and other sex shops will adopt it too. Either way, I’m blown away. This means that if you strike up a nice and sexy conversation with a babe at a bar or club you can quickly order a couple of her favorite toys on your phone and just stall for a couple hours with some drinks and dancing. It’ll arrive at your door and boom, you’ll be fucking in style.

It's also a great way to get condoms and lube delivered, even if you don’t need actual toys. All in all, SexyLand is a perfect one stop shop for all things sex. You can have them bookmarked, with a prepped account and your payment method at the ready at all times, especially if you live smack dab in the middle of Melbourne. They can be your go-to more frequently than food delivery apps. Just do me a favor and don’t get horny alone then go on a shopping spree. By the time the monster cock appears at your door you’ll have blown your load and you’ll end up with buyer’s remorse. Buy clear headed, fuck and fap horny.