Escortify

I have to give Escortify credit for the clever branding. The name’s almost as good as ThePornDude if you want to know the truth. And no, they don’t have a hilarious big-headed mascot cracking dirty jokes while he reviews adult websites (and bangs pornstars over at PornDudeCasting). But they’ve managed to come up with a title that sounds catchy and tells you exactly what you’re going to find within. You can cram it as a verb into a sentence, and the whole thing sounds natural. So who wants to Escortify tonight?

Escortify.com.au claims to be “the smartest, sexiest, and most innovative Australian private escorts and adult directory.” The front-page blurb goes on to label them “state-of-the-art,” “revolutionary,” and “beautiful.” Honestly, most websites make big-ass claims about what they’re offering, but few of them have the traffic to back it up. Escortify, on the other hand, gets a couple of hundred thousand visitors every month. The big question on any escort directory is how many of those visitors are escorts listing their services and how many are just browsing. Well, that’s what I aimed to find out today.

That’s a Lot of Australian Sluts

That said, you can find escorts listed all across Australia. There’s a dropdown menu at the top and a breakdown at the bottom. Here you can choose from locations around New South Wales, Queensland, Western Australia, Victoria, South Australia, and Capital Territory. So bang a hooker from Sydney, make love to a tranny in Brisbane, or have a BBW dominatrix trample your balls in Adelaide. It’s all up to you, my friends.

Of course, all those listed locations amount to nothing if nobody advertises their services. Fortunately, there are many workers on the site hawking their wares. Today’s counts are looking fantastic, which means your odds are good. There are thousands of escorts listed on the site. They’ve got almost 1900 babes listed in Sydney alone and a thousand in Melbourne, plus a few hundred in Brisbane and Adelaide and a cool 69 in Newcastle. I hope that’s not the only 69 I find in Newcastle, if you catch my drift. If you don’t catch my drift, that’s a joke about having mutual oral sex with a prostitute.

I began my search by pulling up those thousands of chicks from Sydney. Escortify shows the Diamond Girls first. These are escorts, doms, and sensual masseuses who have paid some extra scratch to promote their ads on the site. At the moment, I’ve got my pick of exotic chicks, an Asian chick in a mask and bondage gear, and an agency advertising with a pair of blurry-faced blonde bikini girls.

The Diamond Girls are followed by an extensive selection of VIP Private Escorts. I assume these babes paid a bit less to promote their ads, earning a slightly less prominent position on the search results because there are a lot more of them. Finally, you’ve got the full list of Sydney escort profiles.

How to Find Your Ideal Aussie Escort

With such a broad range of broads, it’d help to narrow down the selection a bit. The quickest filters are a couple of buttons up top that let you search the women with Verified photos or videos. If you’re in Sydney or somewhere else with a shit-ton of Escortify listings, though, I recommend using the full Advanced Search feature.

Honestly, one of my only complaints about Escortify.com.au is that I wish they had more filters. The search function only lets you type in your preferred age, nationality, and services, but I prefer sliders, dropdown menus, and checkboxes. More importantly, I wish you could select options like body type, hair color, languages, agency status, and whether they do incall or outcall.

The search results are displayed in a picture menu of sexy thumbnails, with enough relevant info that you could probably end your Escortify visit here. Contact info and prices for an hour are listed clearly, and there’s no signup or membership required to view anything. Age and height are also displayed right beneath their screen names, which is helpful. For example, near the top of my own search results, there’s a 27-year-old blonde showing off a beautiful rack and only charging $390 an hour. I might have to take a closer look and maybe give her a call in a little while.

Am I Getting Laid Tonight or What?

On many escort sites, they keep it really fucking vague about what the workers are offering. So half the time, you’ve got to have an escort acronym dictionary open in another window to know what they’re even talking about. I like that this site has explicit listings because it takes a lot of the guesswork out of the equation. I don’t need a third party to tell me Tina is down to give me the Girlfriend Experience, let me do some Pussy Licking, and even squirt a bit of Cum On Tits because she lists these acts under Things I Like In Private.

Tina’s only open to clients who are double vaxxed, which I am and I appreciate. Below her basic stats like hair color, body type, and the location at the side of the page, she’s got a breakdown of her rates. She’s not currently doing in-calls, but outcalls start at $240 for a half-hour session.

It’s a damn near-perfect listing, with plenty of photos and all the information I could want before trying to book a date with this girl. However, there’s just one big glaring omission that bums me out. It’s a feature I’m always looking for on escort sites these days and, frankly, on just about any website where I’m looking to spend money.

As of this writing, Escortify doesn’t have any user reviews of the escorts who place ads on the platform. In 2024, I really don’t understand why not. Do you buy shit off the internet without scrolling through the review section or at least checking out the star rating? I know these are prone to manipulation—look at any cheap Amazon trinket listing with thousands of reviews for proof—but they go a long way in helping you decide how to throw your paycheck around.

I hope they implement a review section at some point, but the site honestly does approach perfection when it comes to escort listings. The overall presentation is gorgeous, flashy, and sexy without feeling cluttered, and the interface is intuitive enough to find what you’re looking for without very much effort. A couple of more search filters and the option to review your purchases are the only other things I can think to ask for.

In the grand scheme of things, these complaints are pretty trivial. They are certainly no reason to avoid Escortify. On the contrary, I would recommend looking at the local listings if you’re in Australia and interested in paying for a fling tonight, tomorrow, or in the near future. Escortify.com.au isn’t a perfect escort site, but it’s pretty damn close. Anyway, it’s got the main thing you need: a bunch of willing escorts in your neck of the woods.