If the notion of TS Dating gets you all hot and bothered, well, perhaps you’d better strip down and turn the AC up before we get into this following review. Then again, maybe it’s better if you stay dressed and ready to go out, but I guess it all depends on whether you’re shooting for an incall or outcall tonight. Do you want to bang a shemale in your own bed, or would you rather go somewhere else, so your wife doesn’t wonder how all the bedsheets got so completely caked up in santorum? Ah, decisions, decisions.
Are you looking to get your dick wet and find an escort in your part of the world? But I am not talking about just any kind of escort, either. I am referring to fucking transsexual escorts that want to suck you off while you fuck their asshole.
The concept of “Hot” can be hard to define, but erotic massage almost certainly falls under the broad descriptive term. It’s one of those words that take on different connotations depending on who’s saying it. The local weatherman telling you it will be hot out sends a different message than your favorite internet porn mascot saying the same thing. If I’m the guy telling you about the hot massages, it’s a safe bet this isn’t some hippy bullshit where they rub your body with scalding rocks. I’m sure you can get that if you want, but wouldn’t it be nicer if the girl was naked and you got a happy ending?
Smooci calls itself The Future of Escort Bookings. Claiming you’re the future of something or other is always a good marketing gimmick, but in this case, we’re talking about the oldest profession in the world. How have things changed from visiting a brothel in the days of yore? For that matter, what futuristic features does Smooci have to distinguish it from the escort sites of a decade ago, a year ago, or a month ago? By definition, the future of anything should have something you can’t get today, so I’ve got some high-ass hopes.
What can we find on Adult Work besides UK escorts? Well, this is just in: it is possible to do other things besides just masturbate all day long on the internet. Like what, you ask? Well, you don’t have to always watch porn every time you’re horny, you know. Sometimes you could try to make your own! Or maybe you could browse escorts in your area, see if you can’t land yourself some real-life pussy. I’m sure your hand would appreciate the break anyway. Or you could get real old-school with it and look up some phone sex numbers. Nothing like cumming to the sound of an anonymous stranger’s heavy breathing on a phone line, right? … Right … Don’t worry, I’m sure she’s exactly as hot as she sounds…
Spearmint Rhino has one of the most enigmatic names I’ve ever seen in the world of adult entertainment, and that’s saying a lot. If all you had to go on was the funky moniker, what would you think they were even selling? Well, it sounds more like overpriced downloadable content for your favorite sci-fi RPG than something that’d help you get your rocks off, but maybe they’re both catering to those primal urges of lust and conquest. This shit isn’t available at Gamestop, though, nor can you get the full effect via the internet. Perhaps, my neckbeard friends, it’s finally time to leave your mom’s basement.
Backpage Pro! Are you longing for the touch of a woman? Or maybe a man? Transexual? Whatever way you swing, it can be hard to find a professional to deliver the kind of sexual services that will get you off. In fact, it’s twice as hard if you live in the fucking United States!
Utopia Guide! You degenerates desperately need some other horny fappers to talk to. And no, your close friends - if you have any - don’t want to hear all about how you love watching big-tittied babes get their asses prolapsed, sucked, and fucked until they look like a goddamn inside-out pocket pussy. That’s the kind of shit that will get you kicked out of the group chat without so much as a warning. It would be best if you guys found other like-minded, sex-addicted, porn-loving bastards to go back and forth with. And, hey, maybe you’ll find some hottie who will suck your cock for a few bucks here as well. Who knows?
I think I might Call Escort tonight because - between you and me - it’s been a real dry spell lately. I like to supplement my chronic masturbation with some real, live pussy from time to time, but Tinder isn’t what it used to be before COVID. Anyway, I kind of like the sure thing of paying a woman to juggle my balls instead of spending hours laying the groundwork that may or may not pay off. Who’s got time to bullshit on the phone when you have aching blue balls and a throbbing boner?
Our Home 2 sure has an innocuous name, doesn’t it? It’s so sparkly clean that you’d never guess there was anything pervy going on over there if you weren’t reading about it on a site like ThePornDude. Hell, even after spotting the babe on her knees in the site’s logo, all that intro text about “hobbying” threw me for a loop. Maybe it’s a product of the site’s age, founded more than a decade ago. Most of the other websites I review in this category refer to the practice in more explicit terms; instead of “hobbying,” I usually say, “banging escorts.”
DiorEscorts sounds like it’s got to be full of some really high-class sluts, but what’s really in a name? I mean, sure, they can borrow a name from a prominent, expensive, luxury fashion designer, but I’m not sure just anyone can turn it instantly into their own brand of magic. Gianna Dior certainly made it work for her, but how many unknowns have languished in obscurity despite tacking on a famous name. (By the way, if you haven’t seen me banging Gianna over at PornDudeCasting, you’re missing out on some prime smut!)
Adult Seek! There are times you don’t feel like courting someone just to bust a nut. You don’t want to have to play the fucking game of convincing a woman to spread her legs so you can fuck her. And even then, you can only choose from those that are in your fucking league. If you have to work extra hard for ugly women, something isn’t working in your situation. You need to go to the source and find someone willing to give you the time of your life without any strings attached.
We all get lonely from time to time. And, well, you betas are probably used to that shit already. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. If you have a little bit of dosh lying around, then you can very well have the night of your life. No, I’m not talking about spending hundreds of dollars on some virtual slut’s cam show. That’s a fucking waste, especially when you can often get the real deal for just as much money. I’m talking about hot escorts, erotic massages, and fetish play. There are horny babes in your area just waiting to fuck, as the old ads go. But, really, it’s true as long as you have the cash.
I spoke to my Sex Advisor this morning, and he told me I needed to get laid more often. Beating off into a silicone doll butthole while watching the porn tubes is great fun and all, but sometimes you need to stick your ding-ding inside of something live, wet, and tight. I guess I could try my luck at the local fatties on Tinder again, but what if I’m looking for something a little more, uh, professional?
What is Bare Punting? The name made me think of playing football in the nude, but that isn’t what the website is about. I consulted Urban Dictionary, an act that always makes me feel like the oldest fucking oldster in the world, but I’m not even sure how helpful it was. The only semi-sexy definition they had listed was, “When you send your foot so far up your girlfriend’s pussy with such force that it sends her into the air.” Well, I shouldn’t have to tell you that isn’t what the site is about, either, but I’ve also heard of stranger fetishes. The internet’s a fucking weird place.
Welcome to Kommons, one of the most fabulous websites on the planet. I know you like virtual pussy; we all do. I don’t call myself ThePornDude for no reason. But, sometimes, you just have to step out of your man cave and touch an actual breast. The dick wants what it wants. It can’t be helped. It’s within our nature to seek out the touch of real physical women. It’s also in our nature to avoid ugly bitches. So, if we’re ugly ourselves, we’re shit out of luck. Dumb beta cucks will tell you that you should just fall in love with someone who’s within your class and have boring old crusty ass sex with the same bitch for years on end. There’s a reason we don’t listen to betas; they have no idea what they’re talking about.
Yes Backpage! The younger folks among you might not recognize this name just yet, but I’ll school you. No worries. The older among you probably remember the original Backpage. It used to be a classifieds website that was entirely free to use and featured all kinds of used carburetors and washing machines. Yes, you could purchase someone else’s worn socks at a premium and even find a decent tailor in your area to finally fix that oversized zipper that’s hanging over where your bulge should be. Oh, and there were also a lot of escorts.
We’re off to the land of kiwis, I think. That’s New Zealand, right? Yeah, that’s right – Australia had the kangaroos. Where the fuck was I? Oh right, Escortify – the website that helps you find fuckable pussy in New Zealand. God bless these kinds of websites. They put together ugly, unlovable men with fuckable 9s and 10s. As long as you’ve got the money, they’ll find you the pussy. Hell, sometimes I go onto these kinds of sites just to fap to the idea of hiring a bitch for sex. I’d never do it, of course. Women usually pay me for sex. It’s not just that I’m that good because I am – it’s that they chase the clout. They all want to be the girl that fucked The Porn Dude. I don’t blame them. I’m a real star.